Woman Takes A 500 Day Vacation And CNN Thinks She's a Hero

CNN - A 50-year-old Spanish extreme athlete emerged on Friday from a 500-day challenge living 70 meters (230 feet) deep in a cave outside Granada with minimal contact outside.

Wearing dark glasses and smiling as she adjusted to the light of spring in southern Spain, elite mountaineer Beatriz Flamini told reporters that time had flown by and she did not want to come out.

BREAKING NEWS: WOMAN HAS A DUMB HOBBY

First off, this lady doesn't have the world record. 500 days isn't the world record for consecutive days spent in a cave. I'm sure of it. Have you ever heard of mole people? The mole people have been living underneath the earth for decades. The mole people spit on your 500 days.

Can somebody tell me what we're celebrating this lady for? Do you know how badly I wish I could fuck-off to a cave for 500 days? Who among us doesn't wish that they could set aside all responsibilities, crawl 70 meters into the earth, and do arts and crafts for a year-and-a-half. 

Flamini spent her time underground doing exercises, painting and drawing and knitting woolly hats. She took two GoPro cameras to document her time, and got through 60 books and 1,000 litres of water, according to her support team. 

"EXTREME ATHLETE"

She didn't even do 500 consecutive days. To say this woman spent 500 straight days in a cave is a downright lie.

She did come out for eight days, her team disclosed, but stayed isolated in a tent waiting for repairs to a router used to send audios and videos to tell her team how she was doing

How soft have the people at Guinness World Records gotten lately? I'm pretty sure the record isn't titled, "Most Consecutive Days Spent in a Cave, Unless Your Router Breaks Then You Can Leave for a While". 

Not only did she take an 8-day luxury tent vacation away from her already vacation, but a whole team of people pampered her the entire time.

She looked forward to treats such as avocados, fresh eggs and clean t-shirts that her support team sent down before, “like gods”, also removing her waste. 

She had treat bearing gods taking care of her the whole time! They cleaned up her poop! You don't get that type of treatment at a spa. Even with the gold package, you're still responsible for your own excrement.

Who do you think was paying her team? I bet I know. I bet this woman was like one of those marathon runners who walk around the office at their day job asking for donations so she could afford this 500-day cavecation. 

"Hey guys! Sooo you've probably heard that I'm leaving you to knit woolly caps in a fully stocked cave for 500 days. Yes, I am a hero , and yes I expect you to pick up my slack at work while I'm gone.But I can't be a hero without your help financially! I've already written your name down on the donation sheet. Please write down how much money you would like to pledge, even if it's just a few dollars that's fine. When it comes time to pay, I will have multiplied your donation by however much I feel like based on a criteria that I didn't make clear to you. "

I suppose I shouldn't begrudge this woman. I should simply tip my cap to her for concocting one of the greatest boondoggles of our generation. She went on a vacation and was heralded as an extreme athlete. Well played.